When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayers

Sober-mindedness is a key to understanding prayer

There’s a phrase toward the end of the book of 1 Peter that stands out because of the hard truth it reveals about prayer. Through the first few chapters, Peter works through some of the deepest issues of the faith—the hope we have through Jesus’ resurrection, the call to personal holiness, the identity and purpose of the church and the persecution that many suffer on account of their faith. But in chapter four Peter turns to prayer and its central place in the life of the believer:

The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. (1 Peter 4:7)

The linchpin of Peter’s call to prayer is the word “sober-minded.” It’s one of those words in Scripture that stands out like a facet of a diamond in a jewelry store or the beam of a flashlight that catches your eye just right, almost blinding you with its brightness. I can think of other passages with the same sort of impact. In Romans 8:1, for instance, the Apostle Paul declares our spiritual freedom with, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Those first few words sound in my soul like a trumpet every time I read them. Another example is Ephesians 2:1 and its description of our status before we met Jesus. “And you were dead in your trespasses and sins,” the verse proclaims, using four simple words that ring like a church bell as they link the desperate condition of the unsaved with the radical promise of the gospel. In a similar way, “sober-minded” in 1 Peter 4:7 reveals the truth about one of the greatest challenges we face in following Jesus. It tells us how to respond to unanswered prayer.

Why doesn’t God answer my prayer? That’s the question many of us ask, at least privately to ourselves or maybe to a spouse or trusted friend. Publicly, we’re often so wrapped up in keeping up appearances and so committed to not admitting failure that we’re scared to acknowledge the doubt that unanswered prayer often sows into our souls. But we all know what it feels like.

Why won’t God heal my child’s sickness?

Why is my marriage still broken even after all my tears and prayers?

When will God answer my prayers about my finances?

Where is God when I need him most and cry out to him but nothing changes?

Why do other people have their prayers answered but mine don’t seem to make any difference?

Why is my loved one still lost even though I’ve been praying for her for years?

Why am I still struggling with addiction even after all my prayers for deliverance?

The list of what seem to be unanswered prayers or, worse, mounting evidence of an uncaring God is for many not just a matter of spiritual depression but also a pathway to disbelief. I know of people who’ve lost their faith because of it.

That’s where “sober-minded” comes into the picture. Far from being just good advice—like someone telling you to work harder or to stop thinking negative thoughts—the word in the ancient world embraced a larger realm of meaning. Initially, it had to do with modesty and restraint. A willingness to live within whatever geographical, financial or cultural limits surrounded your way of life. From there, the word morphed into a broader definition of temperance, self-control and sanity.

The New Testament uses “sober-minded” on six different occasions but with different English renderings—our passage in 1 Peter is the final occurance. I’ll list the first five below with each useage highlighted:

And they [the disciples] came to Jesus and saw the demon-possessed man, the one who had had the legion, sitting there, clothed and in his right mind, and they were afraid. (Mark 5:15; Luke’s gospel reports the same story)

The account of the demon-possessed man in the Gentile region along the eastern shore of the Sea of Galilee ends with Jesus casting a “legion” (about 2000) demons from the man and into a herd of pigs. Afterward, the man who before meeting Jesus had been violent and uncontrollable sits at Jesus’ feet, quiet and composed. “Sober-minded” in this context means to be under control, without your thoughts, words or actions being dictated by outside forces.

For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of his faith. (Romans 12:3)

In Paul’s closing encouragement to the church at Rome, he calls on the people within the church to not entertain illusions about themselves or others but instead to maintain the humility that comes from viewing one another as sinners saved by grace.

For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. (2 Corinthians 5:13)

As Paul writes to the church at Corinth, he describes his own experience as an apostle. His ministry isn’t of his own choice or power but is dependant on God’s grace at work in him. Whatever I say and do in my ministry to you, he tells the believers in the Corinthian church, it comes from a balanced and sane understanding of who I am in Christ.

Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled. (Titus 2:6; the word also occurs in verses 4 and 12)

In Titus, Paul instructs his associate in how to lead a young church filled with new believers. Key to their spiritual maturity, he says, is their capacity to control their morals, emotions and lifestyles so that they might be faithful to God’s standard of holiness.

Putting these six instances of “sober-minded” together, we can get a good idea of what it means to be sober-minded in our prayers. It’s to be spiritually mature, mentally tough and emotionally resilient. It’s to maintain a sense of stability and balance instead of giving into whatever anxiety may be disrupting the world around us. It’s to refuse victimhood. It’s to control our fears about failure. It’s to base our faith not on our circumstances but on God’s promises. It’s to accept that when we don’t get our way in prayer God’s way is better. It’s to wait on God’s timing. It’s to admit that God knows better than we do about our life. It’s to seek God’s glory more than our comfort. It’s to accept that some things we pray about in this life won’t be fixed until we enter the life to come. It’s to turn away from prayer as magical thinking or spiritual manipulation and instead embrace prayer as humility and trust. It’s to know when to wrestle with God and when to rest in God. It’s to refuse the distractions of emotions, circumstances or setbacks. It’s to take prayer seriously while at the same time understanding that it’s like a child climbing onto her daddy’s lap.

In the first chapter of his book, Peter uses another image that compliments the idea of sober-mindedness in a more practical fashion. I love the way the King James Version renders it:

Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ (1 Peter 1:13 KJV)

“Gird up the loins of your mind” refers to the preparations necessary for a soldier to go into battle. He would cinch up his tunic and tuck it into his belt in order to have the freedom necessary to move and fight. We’d say the same thing to a football player tightening his shoulder pads before a game, a gymnast chalking her hands before the vault, an engineer updating his computer before a big project or a mom getting everything together before her family’s Thanksgiving dinner. To “gird up the loins of your mind” means to get yourself ready for the real world. Life is hard. Faith doesn’t come cheaply. And if you want to follow Jesus, you’d better be prepared for a battle.

The popular evangelical imagination—an imagination often shaped by shallow Bible reading, new age thinking, false teaching, folk religion, American consumerism and social media—leads many people to believe that unanswered prayers have simple causes. A lack of faith. Secret sin. Not praying with the right words, in the right place or according to the right scheme. Following the wrong preacher. Attending the wrong church. To be sure, the Bible is clear that there are certain conditions necessary for effective prayer; but the truth is that prayer often moves more in step with God’s secret rhythms of grace than according to human standards of performance.

The Apostle Paul had his own problems with unaswered prayer. In 2 Corinthians 12, he describes a physical problem—no one really knows what it might have been but most scholars believe it had to do with his eyes—that he called “a thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12:7). You’d think that of all people, Paul would have been able to pray in such a way as to be healed. But that’s not what happened. Instead, his prayer led him to discover deeper levels of grace that God had in mind for him through his unanswered prayer, levels that he would never have experienced had he not possessed the same kind of sober-mindedness that Peter recommends to us:

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:8-9)

John Cameron King gives a prayer for unaswered prayer based on a paraphrase of King David’s prayer in Psalm 4 that, for me, captures pretty well what sober-minded praying looks like in real time:

Lord, answer my prayers. It feels like I’ve been praying forever and I can’t find an answer anywhere. Lord, I want to glorify Your name and walk in truth. Double check my motives if You need to because I’m more than willing to cooperate. Right now it feels like no one in the world can see the benefits of following You. I’m struggling to see the benefits myself. So Lord, if I sinned in my anger forgive me. Show me who I have harmed and I will make it right. Help me look within to see if there is a sin hiding in my heart. Lord, I’m placing full confidence in the cross. I’m not leaning on my own righteousness. As far as I can tell I’m ready for Your glory to shine down on my life. Lord, at the end of the day I want to live in Your presence, have a harvest of souls, drink the wine of Your Spirit and live in peace with my conscience and relationships. Answer my prayers in the name of Jesus, amen.