How pastors and their churches can have a healthy marriage

Building a relationship that stands the test of time

How can a pastor and his church have a healthy marriage?

For many people that’s probably an odd and maybe even unsettling way of describing the relationship between a pastor and his church. It feels too intimate, for one thing. What does the personal bond between a husband and wife have to do with the professional connection between a minister and his congregation? Another objection might be that marriage is unique among all other human associations—in sacred as well as secular circles—and using it as a template for anything else devalues the significance of marriage while inflating the value of whatever other relationship the comparison seeks to illustrate. Better for pastors and churches to keep their feelings about one another within the same boundary lines that are accepted with other professionals like doctors, lawyers and teachers.

But the Bible knows nothing of modern standards of professional performance and turns instead to the relational principles that direct our faith in God as well as our lives with one another. That’s why it doesn’t hesitate to point to marriage as one of the best descriptions of spiritual truths. For example, the Old Testament often describes God’s feelings toward his people Israel as those of a husband longing for his wife:

“I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Lord, and you became mine.” (Ezekiel 16:8)

In the New Testament, marriage is used in an even deeper way, as a metaphor for understanding the relationship between Jesus and the church:

“Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.” (Ephesians 5:25)

It’s not a far leap from this point to say that pastors—Jesus’ representatives to local congregations—share at least a little of the same sentiment. Just as marriage is a covenant relationship in which God’s purposes for husbands and wives are worked out in a context of love, truth, honor and sacrifice; so a pastor and his church are two unique entities—one individual and one corporate—in covenant, growing in love and service to one another, their relationship building a platform for God to display his glory. That’s more like a biblical marriage than many people realize.

I say all that to get to the main point of this essay. The problem in ministry today is that for many pastors and congregations, their marriages aren’t healthy. They view one another with distrust and disrespect and are locked into cycles of conflict. Fatigue after the years of Covid altered their expectations of one another. The church’s changing status in America has rewritten the terms of their connection. The relationship that should be healthy and growing is, in many cases, moving in a painful and dysfunctional direction. While there are many studies of the issue— “crisis” isn’t too strong a word— the “Soulshepherding” ministry recently published the results of a survey that gives a snapshot of what’s going on with America’s churches and their pastors:

75% of pastors report being “extremely stressed” or “highly stressed”

90% work between 55 to 75 hours per week

90% feel fatigued and worn out every week

70% say they’re grossly underpaid

40% report a serious conflict with a parishioner at least once a month

78% were forced to resign from their church (63% at least twice), most commonly because of church conflict

80% will not be in ministry ten years later and only a fraction make it a lifelong career. On average, seminary trained pastors last only five years in church ministry

100% of 1,050 Reformed and Evangelical pastors had a colleague who had left the ministry because of burnout, church conflict, or moral failure

91% have experienced some form of burnout in ministry and 18% say they are “fried to a crisp right now”

Of those statistics, the one that concerns me most is the five-year average tenure for seminary trained pastors. Marriages of such brief duration are a flashing danger sign of trouble ahead for American churches.

Pastor L. Ronald Durham gives a more personal description of the crisis:

According to recent studies… 4,000-5,000 pastors quit each year. They don’t quit because they have a lack of faith in God. They don’t quit because they don’t believe in the calling God has placed on their life. Most don’t even quit because of financial reasons. Pastors quit because they are overwhelmed with mental exhaustion.

Until you’re a pastor you’ll never fully understand what it’s like to carry spiritual burdens for people. Getting up in the middle of night, praying for your family of faith. Awakened in the middle of night with someone on your heart. Overwhelmed with concern by a person’s absence or distance. Your mind continually occupied with the presentation of the upcoming Sunday message - how to preach it, what to teach on, how do we apply it? Getting critiqued on a continual basis. Being told you need to do better or that some areas of the church simply need to be better.

Pastors invest their whole life into people and yet people will turn their backs on their pastor at the first sign of a storm, usually without a conversation. Pastors stand in the middle of disputes. Pastors stand in the middle of gossip. Pastors council broken marriages. Pastors comfort those who have suffered loss. Pastors navigate the waters of imperfect people with a desire to see each one thrive in their faith.

I wrote last year of Presbyterian pastor Andrew Lang, the young minister who made national headlines when he resigned his pastorate in Chicago. While I didn’t agree with his reasoning then and still don’t now, I believe that his description of the modern stressors on the relationships between pastors and churches is spot on:

I have become part of what is known as the Great Pastor Resignation that came in the wake of the pandemic. Barna did a national survey of pastors and, as of March 2022, 42% of pastors considered quitting. The reasons for this are myriad, but the top five reasons given are as follows: The immense stress of the job (56%), feelings of loneliness and isolation (43%), current political divisions (38%), unhappiness with how the role of pastor has affected the pastor’s family (29%), and no optimism about the future of the church (29%). I can relate to all of these, but in particular, the top two are the ones that figured heavily into my decision. Being a pastor is like being a parent. You can imagine what it’s like to have a child, but until you are in the role, you cannot fully appreciate what it’s like to shoulder the responsibility of caring for a life 24/7. The same is true for being a pastor. You think you know what to expect, but the lived experience is very different from your imaginings of what it will be.

Why are pastors and churches at such a crossroad in their marriage? Sometimes the problem is a mismatch. A pastor’s personality and giftedness turns out to be so different from what his congregation wants or needs that they simply can’t live together. Sometimes it’s sin. Just as in a marriage when one partner falls prey to temptation and breaks the covenant of their marriage, so it is with pastors and churches. They, too, can give into their worst instincts. Another large and growing factor in the marriage of church and pastor is the overall fragility of the relationship due to stress. And then there’s unseemly ambition. As happens in a real marriage, maybe the pastor views his present congregation as a stepping stone to a better one.

For these reasons or others, it’s not uncommon today for a congregation to grow tired of its pastor and try to find a fresher face to lead them. Forced pastoral terminations are a large and growing problem. One report says up to 25% of all clergy today have been pressured to resign their church or been fired. Like real divorce, a forced termination can leave scars that last a lifetime for both parties.

While the job of pastor has always been challenging, over the last few years those challenges have risen to unprecedented levels. It’s hard to look at the statistical evidence as well as personal experience without coming to the conclusion that, just as the institution of marriage is struggling in modern America, so is the marriage between pastors and congregations. The circumstances may be different but the outcome is often the same.

But the news isn’t all bad. There are many places where the relationship between pastors and their churches is healthy, warm, and a powerful witness for the Kingdom. Like husband and wife in a faithful marriage, pastor and church embrace a covenant relationship that serves as a platform for God to display his glory. Sure, there are times of conflict and confusion—just as in any normal marriage—but the partners always get back on course. I and many of my friends in ministry are blessed to have that kind of connection with our churches and have discovered several keys to a healthy marriage beween a pastor and his congregation.

Communicate clearly. Churches and pastors often don’t communicate clearly with one another about their needs, expectations and problems. Instead of getting to know each other as they really are, they create an idealized version of one another. The pastor may view his congregation as more spiritually mature than they really are. The congregation may think of their pastor as a more capable leader than he really is. Of course, the opposite may be true as well, with pastor and congregation thinking less of one another than is true. But until they really listen to one another and do the hard work of building a healthy relationship, they’ll never know. Poor communication doesn’t work out in churches any more than in real marriages.

Treat each other with respect. Pastors can use their congregations for personal gain, career advancement, financial gain or even building up their own ego. Congregations can do the same thing and view their pastors as figureheads to give the church stature in the community or denomination. In other words, some pastors consider themselves larger than their congregations while some congregations consider their pastors little more than employees. Neither perspective is one of respect. Pastors and churches are in a covenant relationship—like a marriage—where God’s purposes for each are worked out in an environment of love, truth and honor.

Live with one another in humility and grace. Just as in a marriage, humility and grace are the lubricants that keep friction to a minimum. Pastors and churches that freely give humility and grace to one another are able to weather almost any storm, deal with any obstacle, and move into the future with confidence and freedom. I’m blessed to serve a church that practices these two traits and has been patient with me as I’ve learned to practice them, too.

Stick around long enough to let God work. Like many marriages today, pastors and their churches often are too quick to split up. Times get hard, dry or painful, and instead of staying together and working through the challenges, they separate. Of course, there are times when they stay together too long but in today’s churches it’s usually the opposite problem of them separating before things really start to move forward. That’s the reason many congregational studies all point to the same conclusion: healthy, growing churches are often the result of lengthy pastoral tenures.

We don’t have guarantees in this broken world—even in ministry—and pastors and churches are subject to the same problems, stresses and sin that affect real marriages. Still, there are ways we can get healthier, and the more we pay attention to improving the relationship between pastors and churches, the more effective our churches will be.